ABOUT

CONTENTS

EDITORIAL

ARCHIVE

LAGNIAPPE

MAST

SUBMISSIONS

Story
by Carol Papenhausen


Going Once, Going Wrong

"So all of it was a lie?"
"No, of course not. You think I been lying the whole time? Come on."
"So what was the true part?"
"Like eighty-five percent, for Christ sakes."
"In half an hour you've told me four different stories. And three of them are true?"
"Well, it's like there's parts and elements and maybe the end or the beginning. Like the first one, where I put it down by the big sign and walk to the lake, that was-"
"Yes?"
"Well, putting it down was true but, okay, I didn't walk down to the lake, that didn't happen."
"A lie."
"Jeez, that's so ugly. Come on, Dad, quit messing with my head."
"And you have been messing with your mother's ashes. You have one simple
thing to do and you screw it up. So tell me again. You take the urn and the
ashes and you go where?"
"Like you said. The bay. Where the state park is."
"Right. And you get out of the car, you pick up the urn and then what?"
"Well, see, I -"
"You do what? Cut the crap. What do you do?"
"I didn't pick up the urn. I left it in the car."
"Omigod. Your sister's right. A village somewhere is missing its idiot."
"Very funny. Talk about lies, you tell a few yourself, Father. Like that wasn't even the right urn."
"What are you talking about? Of course it is, the funeral director put it into my hands, your mother's name is on the box. Now go back to the park. The urn. You get out of the car and you-"
"I leave it in the car. On the front seat. And I walk down to the bay. Pretty. Little ripples, like the wind is pushing them."
"Uh huh. Very nice. And you go back to the car and-"
"It was gone. Like nothing there."
"The urn."
"Of course the urn. The same goddamned urn we been talking about. It's gone. Somebody took it. I didn't want to tell you that, I wasn't trying to lie or anything, I just didn't feel like coming right out and saying, 'I lost Mom's ashes.' But that's what happened."
"You lost them."
"They weren't hers, anyway. I told you. It had something else on the urn, it wasn't her name."

"So like I'm telling him all this and he's not even bothering to listen when I say it was somebody else's name on it."
"Hey, dummy, you ain't had enough relatives die on you. This is the funeral
dude with that big house downtown? He puts the same thing on all the urns.
This sticker, like something Domini requiscat something-right?"
"Yeah, like that. It's not my mom, that's for sure."
"It's Latin, you dumb shit. Means like child of God, rest in peace."
"Oh, yeah? Cool. You saw it, huh?"
"Course I saw it. When I took it out of the box."
"And you dumped the ashes into that grate, right? By the picnic table."
"Well, yeah, I was going to, but this ranger is standing there like Smoky
Bear. Or Colin Powell. Big old guy like he'll kill ya."
"So what'd you do? You take them down to the water? That bay place?"
"Naw. Too heavy. I dumped them in that trash barrel. By the johns."
"You said you collected the damn urn and--so all of it was just a lie?"
"Basically, yeah. But she's like dead, man. Nobody cares where they end up
when they're dead. And now she's right next to the toilets in case she has
to go."