ABOUT

CONTENTS

EDITORIAL

ARCHIVE

LAGNIAPPE

MAST

SUBMISSIONS

FROM BACKTRACK
by Jnana Hodson


Only one person in a thousand aspires to become a Subway Hitchhiker. Nobody knows why, either. Of those aspirants, only one in a thousand is chosen. That aspect's equally mysterious.

Question: With 2,371 cars operating in Tokyo, how many Hitchhikers?

D.L. pondered Soviet subway systems in Moscow, Leningrad, Kiev, Tbilisi, Baku, Kharkov, Tashkent, Minsk, Yerevan, Gorky, Novosibirsk, Kuybishev, Sverdlovsk, Riga, and Dnepropetrovsk. To say nothing of related Warsaw Pact, Eastern Bloc operations.

At least they didn't suffer graffiti. Not with spellings like theirs. No, both Hitchhikers and vandals in those realms have different problems to confront.

Not a single ballot had been cast, either.

***


GLOSSARY OF SUBWAY VERNACULAR

As far as the Establishment's concerned, it's a crime to be young with nowhere to go.
To youth, it's a crime to have nothing decent to do.

The City's great if you're either very rich or very poor. For the rest, it's a real struggle.

Even Singapore, though, has a subway. There the biggest crime is carrying a stinky fruit. No durians are allowed in that subway, not even by durian lovers.

It's a good thing Polident Dalloway never discovered that fruit. She would have foisted it upon those poor Dionysians.

Instead, a Jell-O Subway Train rippled through the station. A giant cockroach was the driver. Mrs. Dalloway sat in the third car, accompanied by the Gravedigger Tea salesman.

As soon as those two stepped onto the platform at their terminal, a motorcycle gang roared in, busted through the turnstiles, and blared around recklessly as people's hair turned instantly white.

All but Mrs. Dalloway's.


* * *


UNDERPINNING BUILDINGS ALONG THE LINE

As if by design, the City of Humanity and the City of Inhumanity overlap. What happens if any of the System breaks down? A power failure, where neighbors don't know much less trust each other, results in looting. Anyone who tries to go it alone, who relies on your raw sexual energy or uncurbed power, ages rapidly. In turn, cannibals are eventually eaten.

D.L. perceived rainbows and sandstorms in the tunnels. After all, the tracks run both ways. In every crowded subway coach, an unassuming Bible reader is transported through prophecy and faith. In many stations, a shoeless wino asleep on the bench awaits the Great Grape to come wheeling down the line. So that was what that old man was thinking back in that faraway Laundromat!

D.L. stumbled upon the IND Subway Library. Nearby, he spotted the Subway Department Store, Subway Supermarket, Subway Softball Field, Subway Fire Department, and Subway Telephone Switchboard. There were IND fire hydrants and a very small IND national park, where a hot blues band from Chicago performs all year. At the Subway Hero stand, there was a special on chili-dogs.
There was more sweltering energy than D.L. could calculate. It was too hot for thermometers and spinning too fast for speedometers.


* * *

MIXED MESSAGES

While needling her with a silent terror, the bird-feeder wore an Ivy League cap and Amish high-top black shoes.

He was out for more hikes and hops.

Yes, D.L. was learning. Walking along, thinking how much he wanted to see Carnegie Hall, he looked up, startled. The unassuming sunset stone structure stretched up in front of him. Its mass said simply, "No nonsense, please. There's plenty of work to do."

Thank you, Isaac Stern, in perpetuity.

In The City, D.L. admired more exquisite women than he had ever thought possible. For once, though, he didn't purchase a ticket to illusion. The fantasy no longer held substance.

Through cluttered schedules, he heard mention of chain saws. It was time to clear a plot.

A friend, recognizing the time to build on such connections, bought a small farm not far from the village where D.L. was dwelling. There, the friend would establish the needed retreat.

***

SUBWAY SIGN

Please

NO


                                    
                                    Littering
                                    Smoking
                                    Spitting
                                    Radio Playing
                                    Clipping Your Nails

So much for regulations while bums piss in all the corners.