ABOUT

CONTENTS

EDITORIAL

ARCHIVE

LAGNIAPPE

MAST

SUBMISSIONS

The Fish Men
by Ptim Callan

Two fish men are sitting around comparing their fish.
         One of them slaps a good, solid fish down on the gutting table. “Look at this one,” he sez.
         The other fish man sez, “Hah,” and pulls out a two-foot long specimen from his creel. “Now there,” he sez, “there is a fish.”
         The first fish man roots around in his bag for a while and pulls out a still longer fish. The second fish man counters with the longest fish in his creel. The first fish man reaches into his pants and removes the object that had appeared until a moment ago to be his left leg. It’s a fish.
         Now the second fish man walks out the door and comes back a moment later with an enormous log of a fish over his shoulders. He clonks it down on the table. “There’s a big fish,” he sez.
         The first fish man sez, “Oh yeah, well I’m a fish.”
         The second fish man scrutinizes him for a second. Then he snorts. “That’s nothing. This here gutting table we been clonking our fish down on, it’s actually a fish that I caught.”
         The first fish man examines the table and raises his eyebrows in appreciation. “That’s a nice fish,” he sez, “but I want to show you something. Look out the window at my boat tied up there at the dock. Nice fishing boat, eh?”
         “It’s a good boat. You know I’ve always liked your boat.”
         The first fish man grins. “Take a good look at it,” he sez.
         “My god,” the other fish man exclaims, “it’s actually a fish. I can’t believe I never noticed before.”
         The first fish man grins again. “That might be part of the reason the doc’s so smelly.”
         The other fish man doesn’t say anything. He just smiles knowingly.
         “What are you smiling at?” the one fish man asks.
         “You ever wonder how it’s possible for the dock to smell so much like fish?”
         “No. You’re kidding me. Really?” The fish man runs over to the window and has a look. “Holy Jesus, the dock is actually a fish.”
        “That’s right. Now that’s a big fish.”
        The fish man nods his head. “That’s a big fish,” he sez. “You know though, there’s something I ought to tell you.”
        “What’s that?”
        “Well, you know the planet? The thing we live our lives on the surface of? Take a really good look at it.”
        The other fish man kneels down to examine the floor.
        As realization dawns on him, the fish man who is talking continues. “What you probably never noticed before is that the Earth is actually a fish that I caught. That’s how come it stinks so much.”
        The other fish man runs screaming from the building.