ABOUT

CONTENTS

EDITORIAL

ARCHIVE

LAGNIAPPE

MAST

SUBMISSIONS

DENNIS
Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to the North Brothers Circus! I'm Jack Daniels, owner of the . . . Ooops, that's what I'm drinking. I'm Jack North, owner of the North Brothers Circus, and your Ringmaster for the evening!

JACK
Ahh, Christ . . .

DENNIS
Before the show begins I would like to invite you on a guided tour to see the freaks of the North Brothers Circus-creatures so hideous that you will not believe your eyes! Feast your eyes on our first freak, the only midget in the world who is six foot one! And here, believe it or not, is a bearded man! A bearded man, ladies and gentlemen! And here we have the world's only pair of Siamese twins who are completely unattached! But seriously, I know you want to get tothe real freaks, so I bring you Danny, the fireball eater! I present to you Gerald, the swordfish swallower! Here is Charley sleeping on a bed of toe nails! And now watch as Tom walks barefoot across a bed of hot rolls! Hot rolls, ladies and gentlemen! Now on to the real freaks! I give you Tom, the meanest man in theworld. I show you Charley, the world's only black British Lord! I give you Danny, the world's oldest virgin, and I present to you Gerald-dubbed by the doctors and nurses who delivered him as the "what the fuck is it?" Behold Tom, the poorest white man alive, and behold Gerald, the only black man alive who isn't in jail! Behold Danny, he was born, ladies and gentlemen, with a stilt up his ass. That's right, a stilt up his . . .wait a minute, every white man's born with a stilt up his ass! You're no freak! Get the fuck out of here! Behold Charley, he's actually a white man, but our showers are broken so often that he's this goddamn dirty! Behold Gerald, man with the rawest anal crevice in the world from being fucked up the ass so many times by yours truly. And finally, behold the entire roustabout crew, the classiest men in the world!

(The roustabouts moon the audience)
(All but Dennis exit the ring)

DENNIS
Ladies and gentlemen, Jack North here. I know that I don't treat the roustabouts very well. Their sleepers aren't fit for animals, I work them like slaves, and the food I give them often gets up and walks off the plate. But there's an explanation for that. In fact, there's a good explanation for why many men like myself treat the black man and all those in the lower classes so poorly. To show you what I mean, I present to you a great moment from history. Abraham Lincoln throws his hat in to the ring to declare his candidacy for president!

(Lights up on Tom, portraying Abraham Lincoln. He wears a hat that is the same as Jack's Ringmaster hat. He throws his hat in to the ring, smiles and waves to the audience. Gerald runs in to the ring and grabs the hat)

TOM
Excuse me, that's my hat.

GERALD
Correction, it was your hat, you Amish looking motherfucker.

TOM
Please give it to me.

GERALD
No.

TOM
Give it to me!

GERALD
You don't have to pretend to be angry for the sake of all the white people here, I know that you love black people.

TOM
I do not love black people.

GERALD
You're abolishing slavery.

TOM
I'm doing it to get elected.

GERALD
Oh.

TOM
Now please give me my hat.

GERALD
No.

TOM
Listen, just between you and I, the truth is that I need that hat to play out a sexual fantasy of mine at home.

GERALD
What kind of sexual fantasy?

TOM
Just give me the hat.

GERALD
What kind of sexual fantasy?

TOM
Give me . . .

GERALD
Not until . . . !

TOM
Give me . . . !

GERALD
Tell me . . .!

TOM
That's it! I've changed my mind! I am not abolishing slavery!

GERALD
What?

TOM
Not only am I not abolishing slavery, I will make slavery mandatory in the north as well as the south!

GERALD
Ahhhhh, man!

TOM
Unless you want to be sent to a plantation in Pittsburgh I suggest you become my personal slave!

GERALD
Ahhh, this sucks! (He hands the hat back to Tom, begins shining Tom's shoes) The black man can not catch a break! The black man deserves better than this!

TOM
You're so right. Seeing you work that way makes me excited. Very very excited.

GERALD
What do you mean?

TOM
Remember that sexual fantasy I was telling you about?

GERALD
Yeah.

TOM
Do you still want to know what it is?

GERALD No.

TOM
The black man has been oppressed for many years, but I will make amends for the sins of my countrymen past and present in a way that abolition never would. You will be my slave in public, but in private it is I who will be slave to you!

GERALD
Say what? (Tom pulls a harness and whip out of his overcoat) What the fuck is that?

(Tom puts the harness on)

GERALD
Now hold on a second, motherfucker!

TOM
Sexual slavery will be the new platform on which I gain the presidency.

GERALD
You're not getting my vote!

TOM
Take the hat.

GERALD
No!

TOM
Take it! Put it on. Now assert your will.

GERALD
Assert my will?

TOM
Assert your will! Oh, Mr. President! Mr. President! Mr. President!

GERALD
Black man's got to take the presidency any way he can get it!

DENNIS
Agreat moment from history, ladies and gentlemen!

(Tom and Gerald exit)

DENNIS
Ladies and gentlemen, I want you to forget about the act that you just saw. I do not,repeat, I do not have fantasies about being fucked up the ass by a black man. Cuddled, perhaps. Fondled gently, possibly. But not fucked up the ass. Let me clarify the message you were supposed to have gotten from the previous act. I am not a racist. I repeat, I am not a racist. And now, for our final act, they juggle,they tumble, please welcome the Juggling and Tumbling Klansmen!

(The roustabouts enter dressed as Klansmen. They tumble. They set a burning cross down in the middle of the ring and tumble around it. In the midst of the tumbling, Gerald's hood comes off)

DENNIS
Wait a minute, wait a minute! I've never seen you at a Klan meeting! I mean, you're black!

GERALD
So?

DENNIS
So? Motherfucker, why would you want to belong to the Klan?

GERALD
Because at the meetings, they serve the best damn collard greens I've ever tasted!

DENNIS
Say what?

GERALD
Yeah, man, they're better than my mama used to make. I think it's the freshness of the leaves.

DANNY
No, no, it's the extra bacon fat.

TOM
The bacon fat? Do you think so?

(Dennis takes Tom aside)

DENNIS
Listen, buddy . . .

TOM
Yes, Mr. Jack?

DENNIS
What's going on here?

TOM
What's going on is that they're both crazy. It's the pinch of salt that makes those collard greens sing.

DENNIS
No, I mean why would you accept a guy like that?

TOM
Because we don't discriminate.

DENNIS
What do you mean you don't discriminate? You're the motherfucking Klan!

TOM
See, discrimination is a thing of the past.

DENNIS
Says who?

GERALD
I'm the frontrunner in the upcoming election for Grand Wizard.

DENNIS
Say what?

MICHELLE
(Taking off her hood)
You're not the frontrunner for Grand Wizard, I am!

DENNIS
Yeah, good, I'm voting for the white girl.

MICHELLE
I'm not a white girl.

DENNIS
Girl, you're whiter than a jar of mayonnaise.

MICHELLE
My father was a light skinned black man, and I'm light skinned, or high yella as they say.

DENNIS
You're not high yella, you're just high. See, you're too intelligent and well-spoken to be a black girl, and do you realize that if youkeep insisting that you're a black girl, you're gonna face the same consequences as darkie here?

GERALD
Who's a darkie?

MICHELLE
For the last time . . .

DENNIS
Time for me to help this woman come to terms with who she is.

(Dennis picks Michelle up and carries her off)

MICHELLE
(Off)
Help! Help! Rape! Rape!

(Dennis enters with his pants down)

DENNIS
You did not hear that, understand me? Nothing is going on back there. Now do a number or something.

(Dennis exits)

ALL
(As though they're singing "Chain of Fools.")
K-K-K! K-K-K! Klan of fools! K-K-K! K-K-K! Klan of fools! KKK! KKK . . .

(Dennis and Michelle enter)

DENNIS
Mmm, mmmm. You're not a real man until you split the white oak!

MICHELLE
Mister Jack, I want to thank you for being there for me, and for helping me come to terms with who I am.

DENNIS
My pleasure. Do you still think you're a black girl?

MICHELLE Well, yes . . .

DENNIS
That's too bad. Once again, ladies and gentlemen, the Tumbling and Juggling Klansmen!

(The Klansmen dance and tumble. A tree is brought in to the ring. Danny, Tom and Dennis lynch Michelle, and then Gerald. All dance through the lynchings)

DENNIS
The Dancing and Tumbling Klansmen, ladies and gentlemen! That's all for tonight, thanks for coming, and we'll see you next year at the North BrothersCircus! (Silence) You know, it's customary to applaud when a show is over.