LA PETITE ZINE ISSUE #19, TOTALLY TEST TAKING TIME.

Is LPZ right for you?

1. You always order:
    a. the flourless chocolate cake
    b. the spinach salad
    c. “Off with her head!”

2. On Saturday nights you like to:
    a. jam it on the one
    b. curl up with a good book
    c. curl up in the jam

3. When you wrote that poem, the baby was:
    a. composing a traditional Chinese opera
    b. crafting your nipple into an objet d’art
    c. the who, now?

4. Your friends describe you as:
    a. feisty
    b. fraught
    c. frosty

5. Your enemies describe you as:
    a. 6’4”, bright red hair, snaggletoothed
    b. full of piss and vinegar
    c. right behind them

6. If you could be any dog, you would be a:
    a. salty dog
    b. hang dog
    c. doggerel

7. Your side-effects are:
    a. vomiting and rash
    b. mild hallucinations and rash
    c. yawning-orgasm syndrome and rash

8. Your favorite superhero is:
    a. red hot
    b. icy smart
    c. creepy fast

9. Radio Free:
    a. Europe
    b. Tel Aviv
    c. Missoula

10. Your novel is about:
    a. your mother
    b. your children’s mother
    c. Mothra

11. When you’re out on the streets looking good:
    a. you know that it ain’t right
    b. mongrels trail you
    c. you wear a mantilla, a boa, and seven-inch platform espadrilles

12. Boxers or briefs:
    a. vertigo
    b. claustrophobia
    c. “…oh, I wish I’d gotten a pair of cotton, so I wouldn’t itch         everywhere…”

If you answered to any of these questions, LPZ may be right for you. Please consult.

Editor D

Once upon a time, there were three little pigs…

1. Each little pig wanted to build a house. Pig #1 wanted to build a house of straw. Straw costs $4 a bundle. He needs 9 bundles. How long will he wait?

2. The 2nd little pig wanted to build a house of sticks. Each bundle of sticks weighs 5 pounds. Pig#2 needs 10 bundles. How much will they hurt?

3. Pig #3 wanted to build a house of bricks. Each side of his 4-sided house needs 100 bricks. How many bricks will keep him safe?

4. Pig #1 built his house in 6 days and rested on the 7th. How long did he work?

5. Pig #2 built his house in 8 hours. He worked for 4 days. How many hours made him happy?

6. Pig #3 worked for 16 hours. How much longer did he work than Pig # 2?

7. Pig #1 wanted to put in the cosmos. What did he install?

8. Pig #2 wanted an underground home in an undisclosed mountainous region. He needs 20 sq. feet. The carpet was $4 a square foot, but such a deal. He got it for half price! Will he ever be found?

9. Pig #3 wanted an extension phone, a gas mask, a water purifier, and a fallout shelter. He needs 1 yard of phone wire. How can he explain this to his children?

10. Pig #3 also got a good deal on his on his phone bill. It cost him $2 the first month, $4 the second month, and $6 the third month. At this rate, who else is listening?

11. When all the work was done they decided to play. They played leap hog. Pig #1 jumped 5 feet, pig #2 jumped 8 feet, and pig #3 jumped 7 feet. How far did they jump together?

12. After an exciting game of leap hog, Pig #3 had an idea. To help pay for their homes, they could open an arms race. If they sold 10 bombs, how much would they make?

13. After making all that money, they were tired. Pig #1 went to bed at 9:00 p.m. The other 2 went to bed at 11:00 p.m. Did they actually sleep?

14. For breakfast they each had 5 eggs - no bacon, of course. How many eggs did they break?

15. To work off their enormous breakfast, they walked for hours. Pig #1 walked 3 miles, Pig #2 walked 4 miles, and Pig #3 walked 5 miles. About how many years have the three pigs been walking altogether?

16. While they were walking, a very large wolf saw them. He was starving. "What a swell meal they'd make," he thought. If he could get 5 pork chops from each one, how many pork chops could he make?

17. The pigs were tired and wanted to go home. Even their little piggies (feet) hurt. How many alternatives did they wear out?

18. Pig #1 was getting crabby. He felt something was wrong. "We're being followed!" he screamed. "Let's run for home!" The pigs ran and ran. Do they always listen to each other?

19. When they got home, Pig #1 heard a knock at his door. "Little Pig, Little Pig let me in!" (Everyone) "Not by the hair of my chinny chin chin!" Now the wolf was angry. He huffed and puffed and blew the house down! Where has Pig #1 gone?

20. Wolf was really angry now - and hungry too! At the stick house he cried, "Little Pig, Little Pig, let me in." (Everyone) "Not by the hair of my chinny chin chin!" "Oh yeah?" said the wolf. "I'll show you!" And he brought out his high powered fan he got on sale at Osco for $9.98. About how much was the fan?

21. Yes, the stick house blew down too. Pig #2 went squealing down the road to their brother, who like all big brothers said, "I told you so!" And they sat down to watch TV. Their favorite show, Pigmalion, comes on at 8:00 p.m. It was 7:30 p.m. Is anyone a hero?

22. Anyway, this wolf wasn't stupid. He knew he couldn't blow down the brick house without popping a lung so he thought...."I'll just get in my 1963 Volkswagen and run this house down!" If it's 2006, how much ammunition was in the car?

23. Well, Mr. Wolf hadn't taken very good care of his old car, and Pig #3 did a pretty good job with those bricks, In a contest between bricks and a Volkswagen Beetle, the house won. The pigs were able to make 3 lovely furs for winter, and quit their jobs to sell scrap metal. If the wolf is dead, are there other wolves?

24. How much money would they make selling scrap metal at $1.72 a pound? Round the selling price of scrap metal to the nearest American dollar.

25. And so they lived happily ever after now with their successful pig-iron business. If each pig earns money at the expense of the wolves, how much will they earn altogether for their week's work?

Please show your work.

http://www.mathstories.com/Book_17_3pigs_grades23.htm

Editor J